“I’m not worth it.”
Remember the first time I said that to You, Abba? It was May 20, 1987… my spiritual birthday. It was the first time I had said it to You, but not the first time I had thought it.
You had made Yourself known to me three times during the previous thirteen months, in ways that were unmistakable… and, finally, irresistible. You had so clearly come after me. The three blessings You had given me had each provoked the same prayer. Although it came from deep in my gut, I spoke it out loud (just to make sure You heard me). How was I to know You could read my mind?
“Thank You, God, because I know this is from You. I don’t know why You’ve done this. I don’t know You. I don’t think about You. I don’t care about You. I”m not looking for You. Yet I know this blessing is from You and I will always treasure it.”
I meant every word. When I said it the first time, it was only the second prayer I had ever spoken to You. The first one had come ten years earlier, when I was on the verge of suicide. The prayer that day had been one of desperation:
“God, if You exist, You need to help me… because I will not survive if You don’t.”
I remember distinctly what I believed was Your “answer” to that first, long-ago prayer. I believed You slammed the door in my face because I was not worth Your time. I was totally wrong about You, of course. But that’s what I believed about myself… so, surely (I thought) that must be how You felt about me.
Through a series of miracles — yes, miracles! — You brought me back from the brink and began to put me back together. I had no idea for another ten years that it was You who had saved my life… but it was. And it was You who subsequently led me through the most amazing — yes, miraculous! — journeys of healing. Healing from the seeds of that core belief which had produced such a harvest of destruction in my life.
How could I measure the magnitude of Your healing up until today, Lord? It would be like moving me from the floor of the Grand Canyon to the summit at Mt. Everest! Yet, there’s more to come… isn’t there, Lord? Some vestige of that core belief still exists in me… and still limits me. And with unfailing kindness and love, You are inviting me into yet another revolutionary adventure with those gentle words You know I cannot resist:
“Come, follow Me.”
Am I worth it to You, Lord?
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.” (Isaiah 43:1b)
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again…” (Jeremiah 31:3)
“He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all — how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)
Oh, Beloved… You have already raised me from death to life! You have dried my tears and filled me with joy! You have turned my mourning into dancing! Is it really possible to go with You to the next level?
“Jesus asked the boy’s father, ‘How long has he been like this?’ ‘From childhood,’ he answered… If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. ‘If you can’?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, ‘I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!'” (Mark 9:21-24)
Me, too, Lord. I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!
With great anticipation,