Before I even showered this morning, I was bathing in my own tears.
I was at that place that is all-too-familiar to me. That place of failing… and longing. That place of knowing what’s right and choosing what’s wrong. That place of defeat… and grief… and profound loneliness.
How could You be near, Lord, when I keep turning — running? — away?
“… surely I am with you always…” (Matthew 28:20)
Even when I am walking in the flesh? Gratifying my Self? Knowing what I should say “No” to… and saying “Yes” all the same? Seemingly trapped in that place of sin?
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… What a wretched [woman] I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” (Romans 7:15)
You will, Lord. You have proven it to me time and time again.
So why won’t I let You?
I had gone into our guest bedroom in the predawn hours… to get on my face before You. It was my second act of the day. The first was to post “sticky” notes around the house, in every known place of temptation. They read:
“CHOICE! ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ (Philippians 4:13)”
A reminder at every place of temptation. So if I go there, I will be REMINDED in the moment of temptation. REMINDED that I CAN stop in the moment… and choose a different way.
“Jesus answered, ‘I am The Way and The Truth and The Life.'” (John 14:6)
Later, after weeping on the floor at Your feet, I crawled onto the bed…. and curled up in a fetal position. Acknowledging my failure… my desperation for You… my helplessness apart from You.
A baby, crying out to her Daddy.
“The Lord is near to all who call on Him… He hears their cry and saves them.” (Psalm 145:18-19)
I was asking You “Why?” for the millionth time, when You caused my eyes to shift focus.
That’s when I saw the Hitchhikers. And what I saw changed everything…
I’m saving “the rest of the story” for tomorrow, Lord…
… because You are still writing it in my heart.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart… lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)